1958 Teenage Cave Man

• Directed by Roger Corman
• Written by R. Wright Campbell
• Stars Robert Vaughn, Darah Marshall, Leslie Bradley
• Run Time: 1 Hour, 5 Minutes
• Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CqLEucQzW48
  

Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone

Even young Robert Vaughn couldn’t save this movie. And he’s reported as saying it’s the worst film ever made. Years later, Roger Corman would be quoted as saying, “I never directed a film called ‘Teenage Cave Man.’ We don’t quite agree with Vaughn, but it’s not a good one.

Synopsis

We get Biblical quotes about the creation of the Earth. “And then there came… man!” Credits roll.

We see cavemen returning from a hunt across the mountainside. “Where’s the boy?” Asks the Symbol Maker, who goes off looking for his son. His son has gone somewhere that is forbidden because the son has “progressive” ideas. He doesn’t want to hunt in this dead land but instead wants to go to the lush, forbidden land. His father warns that there are terrible creatures there; it’s all very dangerous. There is also “a god that gives death with its touch!” They head back to the group.

The Symbol Maker’s son likes the Blonde Maiden. They worship fire, the wheel, and the way things belong. It is the law. The Black-Bearded One tries to tempt the son to do things that are against the law; he just might have an ulterior motive. The Symbol Maker is in charge of keeping the records— cave paintings.

The next day, all the men go out hunting, and the Symbol Maker is mauled by a bear. The Fire Maker tries to sew him up. The Bearded One goes right to work on the son, talking him into going into the forbidden land for better hunting.

The Symbol Maker’s son tries to talk his young friends into going to the forbidden land with him. Four of them set out the next morning. A dinosaur spots them and starts to pursue them but gets distracted by another big lizard. One guy gets sucked down into quicksand and dies, so two of the others turn back and go home. Only the son of the Symbol Maker continues on.

Then the, uh, ”monster” shows up, whatever the heck that was. The son runs away, but runs into a tree and knocks himself out.

Back home, the Symbol Maker wakes up and wants to know where his son has gone. His wife explains, and he’s not happy. The Bearded One starts rabble-rousing. The Symbol Maker swears he will find his son and bring him back.

The son wakes up and “discovers/invents” a bow and arrow, all by himself. He kills a deer and the local wild dogs attack. His father arrives just in time to help fight them off. They go back to town for trial. The people decide to shun the son instead of killing him, which enrages the Bearded One, who attacks the son but fails to kill him.

The Blonde Maiden is impressed with the son’s fighting skills, so he plays a tune on his pipes while she bathes in the waterfall. She decides to break the rules and talk to him– genders aren’t supposed to speak directly to each other unless they are married, and then only in private. He talks about going back to the forbidden place again for another attempt.

A man rides up on a horse, which is something new for the tribe. They think the man and the horse are one animal. They knock the man off the horse, and the son insists that they can learn from the new man. The Bearded One kills the innocent, wounded man.

The Symbol Maker wants to change the law, but the Bearded One argues that the old ways are best. The stranger’s existence proves that people can survive in the forbidden land. The Fire Maker is in charge, and he upholds the status quo— stay out of the forbidden land.

The son finally hits the age of manhood, and when asked, says he will hold to the word and to the law. The monster skulks around just out of sight. The son warns the Bearded One that a fight is coming. The Blonde Maiden wants them to run away together and find a cave all their own someday. They spend time at “the sleeping place” together that night. The son swears he will go out and kill the monster.

The son goes off into the forbidden land again, and once again, the Bearded One condemns him. This time, he convinces the people to kill both the son and the Symbol Maker. Everyone heads to the forbidden zone, breaking the law to keep the son from breaking the law.

They soon encounter the monster, which stands up just as wild dogs attack the tribe from behind. The son approaches the monster to communicate as the Bearded One drops a rock on it. The son kills the Bearded One with his bow. The monster turns out to be a man in a mask.

The son searches the dead man’s body and finds a book with pictures inside. Apparently, this all takes place in a post-apocalyptic future world, not the distant past (dinosaurs and all).

The Symbol Maker says from here, the tribe will spread out and try to find other human tribes. We get a voiceover that explains the man was wearing a radiation suit after the atomic holocaust.

Brian’s commentary

The first fifteen minutes is mostly exposition and talk about the laws and the caveman’s society. There’s nothing there that we don’t need to know, but it’s awfully talky.

The dinosaur fight is ridiculous by current standards, but I’ve definitely seen a lot worse from the 50s and 60s. Some of the other dinosaurs are clearly guys in rubber suits stomping around, so it’s not all good.

This is really, really bad. The plot is really childish, the acting is terrible, and the dialog tries to be primitive, but just sounds dumb. The twist at the end isn’t really a huge surprise and is still mostly irrelevant to the story.

Kevin’s commentary

Roger Corman put together a lot of entertaining work, and Robert Vaughn certainly did some very good acting in his career. This wasn’t that for either of them.

It’s not the worst movie I’ve ever seen, and I was at least interested, not bored. And those are about the only pluses I can give it. I’d recommend you stay clear of it and watch something else.