2008 Anaconda 3: Offspring

• Director: Don E. FauntLeRoy
• Writers: Nicholas Davidoff, David C. Olson
• Stars: David Hasselhoff, Crystal Allen, Ryan McCluskey, Patrick Regis, John Rhys-Davies, Anthony Green.
• Runtime: 1 Hour, 31 Minutes
• YouTube Trailer Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4v0Njw7X_uE

Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone

The blood orchid from the previous movie only works on snakes and works very well in the lab, which they bust out of. The company wants to keep it quiet, so a team of expendables is sent to retrieve them. It’s watchable, but pretty low effort and mediocre. The sequels are not heading in the right direction in quality.

Spoilery Synopsis

We open on four men walking through the woods (it doesn’t look like the jungle), and there’s a big snake crawling through the trees above them. Suddenly, they’re attacked by the snake, and there’s a lot of shooting. Credits roll.

Mr. Murdoch listens to a report on the testing of a new drug that had horrible results. He tells Pinkus that PETA has been complaining about the company and the person who leaked the information to them. They have a queen anaconda in their lab. They’ve been working on blood orchid extract, and it seems to be working, but only in snakes right now; it’s lethal in humans.

Their experiments with the serum have made aggressive giant snakes. Amanda Hayes is the herpetologist of the facility, and she wants bigger, stronger cages. She picks up right away that Murdoch is dying and wants the serum to live longer.

The big snake breaks through the glass and kills a technician. The base goes on lockdown as the snake disappears. It bites the head off a security guard on the way to the queen. Amanda goes to the main lab, but the queen is now gone. The snakes were smart enough to break out. Murdoch orders Pinkus and Grozny to take control of the situation.

We cut to Hammett, the guy we saw in the opening scene, selling rhino horns on the black market. We see that he’s a badass even without the wild animals. Pinkus calls him to hunt the snake. The ragtag collection of diverse caricatures heads off to hunt the snake.

Elsewhere, a farmer has some misadventures and finds himself inside a snake. The team shows up, searches, and Grozny is impaled. Everyone blasts the snake with machine guns, but nothing stops the snake.

Amanda and Pinkus come face to face with the huge snake. Hammett finally shows up and immediately explains a plan and starts giving orders. There’s an extended chase scene through the woods. Victor and Sofia don’t last long against the snake. Amanda escapes, but then has a flashback to all the people she’s watched die.

Everyone comes to the conclusion that Amanda knows more than she’s telling. She admits that they messed with the snake’s DNA and it got a little… mutated. Also, the queen is pregnant and will be giving birth very soon. The offspring will be useful in developing the health serum. But they all know that would be bad news for the country if they were allowed to live free.

The snakes arrive, and Pinkus dies. Hammett calls the local army guy and asks for backup, but he’s clearly not into that and might have faked the call. The snakes, meanwhile, slither into the local lake that’s really near the town.

Amanda and Nick follow the snake into an old factory, and there’s a lot of hide-and-seek. It finds Nick first, but he feeds it a grenade. That’s one dead snake, but the queen is still out there.

We cut back to Murdoch, who’s on the phone with someone we don’t know, making some kind of plan.

Hammett shoots Andre in the back and holds Amanda at gunpoint; he wants those baby snakes – he’s been promised 10 million bucks for one. He and Amanda fight, but he doesn’t see the big snake behind him until it’s too late, or her knife stabbing him in the belly. Amanda throws a bomb at Hammett, the queen, and the baby snakes. The bomb blows up everything as Amanda walks back to the car.

Murdoch’s other man goes back to the blown-up factory and retrieves some surviving baby snakes. On the way out, he passes Amanda, who’s burning all the science-y records.

This story isn’t over…

Brian’s Commentary

This one was made for TV by the Sci-Fi channel simultaneously with the fourth film. The CGI is just atrociously bad with the snake. The characters are all cliched “types” that you’d expect to see in a cheaply made film.

The writers must have seen “Predator” a few times, as some of the characters and situations were ripped right from that film. In the previous film, the tough guy was killing anacondas with the throw of a knife; here, six guys empty their Uzis into one, repeatedly, and it doesn’t slow down.

It ends with a bit of a cliffhanger, obviously leading into the fourth film. Murdoch and his assistant are still alive and have a snake. Amanda is still alive, and she may or may not be back to fight snakes again.

It’s OK, but far from great. It’s got Hasselhoff, which is a big indicator of the quality of the film.

Kevin’s Commentary

The CGI is pretty bad in this one. And the story. And the characters. It’s made for TV production, and it shows.

I understand that the snake was supercharged with a serum, but it couldn’t have been nearly as bulletproof as it was in this production. Though a grenade in the mouth finally does the trick for one of them. Like the previous film, human greed and mistakes play a big role.

I thought it was watchable, and I didn’t truly hate it, but it was low-level entertainment. I wouldn’t recommend it.