- Directed by David Steiman
- Written by David Steiman
- Stars Bill Goldberg, Douglas Smith, Emilie de Ravin
- Run Time: 1 Hour, 18 Minutes
- Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45wLLhUaMgA
Spoiler-Free Judgement Zone
This one starts right out the gate with over-the-top kills and humor. Toilet humor, and Santa is played by Bill Goldberg – a big professional wrestler – so you can imagine the bombastic performance he gives. There’s quite a body count – and Santa is deadly – but it’s more comedy than horror.
Synopsis
It’s time for Christmas Dinner, and there’s the usual fighting and arguing. There’s a rumbling at the chimney and Santa Clause breaks in the wall. He drop kicks the poodle into the ceiling fan, stabs the father , sets the mother’s hair on fire, kicks the brother, and variously kills the others. Credits roll — so much for that outstanding celebrity cast list; they burned through all the big names in two minutes flat.
We’re in Hell Township on Christmas Eve. A cranky old woman grouches about being told “Happy Holidays” at the Jewish deli. The old woman drives down the road, and Santa pulls up behind her on his buffalo-pulled sleigh. He runs her off the road and gives a hearty “Ho Ho Ho!” Mary and Nicolas get off work at the deli; she wants to drive him home, but he’s not eager. She insists, so they head home. He doesn’t care much for Christmas, “It’s always disappointing.”
Nicolas goes inside, and we see that there are several locks and a security system. The power goes off, and he goes into the basement to flip the breaker. Grandpa’s down there looking for a light bulb. Grandpa’s an inventor, and he’s just made a portable phonograph and a lethal-looking nutcracker. He also invented brown-colored toilet paper. Grandpa shows Nicolas his secret bunker.
Meanwhile, Santa stabs a robber with a sharp candy cane. Nicolas asks why Grandpa hates Christmas. Grandpa explains the true nature of Santa Claus, and it’s not a happy picture. Mary comes to the door with some baked wolverine. She brings Nicolas a gun that transforms into a robot.
At the church, the money-grubbing Pastor Timmons is asking for generous donations. Afterwards, he goes to the strip club. Santa comes in right behind him. He’s stopped in for some Ho Ho Ho’s. He kills all the men and then sets the place on fire. He comes outside to find his buffalo has eaten the valet.
Nicolas yells at Mary because she’s into hunting and guns, and he doesn’t approve. She gets annoyed and leaves. Nicolas reads on in Grandpa’s book: Santa was the son of Satan who lost a bet and had to play good Santa for 1,000 years. That time is now up.
Some kids open their gifts and they explode, beheading them. Santa breaks into Mr. Green’s Deli and impales Green with a menorah. Nicolas finds him there, “There is a Santa Claus,” says the dying man. Nicolas tells the police captain about evil Santa, but he’s skeptical.
Evil Santa stops in at the police station and cleans house. He steals a police car and goes after Mary and Nicolas. Nicolas shoots him, which only annoys Santa. They go home and tell Grandpa what happened. They hide in the bunker as Santa arrives. Grandpa has some snowmobiles hidden away to make an escape.
Grandpa confronts Santa; they’ve known each other for centuries. Grandpa gets run over by a reindeer. Santa gets in his flying sleigh and lobs gift-wrapped grenades at the kids as they try to escape. They lead Santa right into the center of town and hide out in the high school. Nicolas and Mary have a romantic moment before Santa comes in on a Zamboni and nearly gets them until Grandpa, the angel who has been waiting all these centuries, stops him.
Grandpa challenges Santa to a curling contest again. If Grandpa wins, Santa goes back to being good forever. If he loses, he goes to Hell for eternity. Santa cheats and throws Grandpa into the Hell-hole. Nicolas shoots Santa with an exploding chestnut.
Nicolas and Mary pull Grandpa out of the hole. Santa goes back to his sleigh. They tell the trap-shooting club to shoot at a flying reindeer as Santa approaches. Just in time, Mary’s father shoots him with an RPG. Nicolas and Mary kiss; a happy ending.
Santa buys a ticket to the North Pole on an airline. He’s incognito now.
Commentary
The animated bit is great; just like the real holiday specials. You know the ones.
The rest… is ridiculous. It’s juvenile humor, literally there are jokes about whether Captain Caulk or Busch are better cops. “Which do you like better?” “You don’t like Busch?” “No, I prefer Caulk.” It’s clearly aimed at twelve-year-olds and wrestling fans, a particularly focused audience. A lot of it is cringeworthy, but there are some genuinely funny moments.
There are lots of cameos here, especially in the first scene, they do appear throughout. Overall, I did like it, but expect more toilet humor than horror.