2025 Anaconda

• Director: Tom Gormican
• Writers: Tom Gormican and Kevin Etten
• Stars: Jack Black, Paul Rudd, Steve Zahn, Thandiwe Newton, Daniela Melchior, and Selton Mello
• Runtime: 99 minutes
• YouTube Trailer Link:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZyU7mBXwLc
  

Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone

A quartet of people on the fringes of show business obtain the rights to the original “Anaconda” movie and decide to remake it on location in the jungles of Brazil. Where there happens to really be a gigantic anaconda. It’s not a horror movie in itself; it’s a comedy adventure, but they are remaking a horror movie. It’s well-made with a strong cast, but we both just thought it was okay.

Spoilery Synopsis

A French couple is out in the Amazon rainforest, and they know they’re in trouble. As she makes her escape, some guy is eaten by a giant snake. Credits roll.

We cut to a conference room, where Doug McCallister tells a scary story that’s really just his idea of a wedding video; he makes wedding videos. We also meet Ronald Griffin, who’s an actor playing “Doctor Number 3” but gets fired very quickly. On the way out, he stops to look at a poster for the original “Anaconda” film.

Both men wind up at Doug’s surprised birthday party that evening. They made amateur horror movies when they were thirteen, and they all miss it. Afterward, they all talk about the original “Anaconda” film again. Griff mentions that he’s got the rights to the film now. He wants to reboot the series, indie-style, filmed in the actual Amazon. Kenny, the videographer, and Clair, the actress, agree to participate in it. Doug is reluctant, but his wife is all for it.

The group gets into the process of writing, planning, and financing the film. They soon arrive in the rainforest, where we meet Santiago, the snake handler. Santiago knows all about anacondas, showing them one he has in a cage.

We also see Ana, that Frenchwoman from earlier, skulking around, still being hunted by strange men. She steals the keys to a boat and pretends to be the pilot; it’s the filmmaker’s boat.

The group starts filming right away. We get a montage of the actors and crew doing their things. Afterward, they all compare head-butting styles. Later that night, a big anaconda slithers through their bedrooms on the boat. In the morning, they find that it’s Santiago’s snake that got out of the crate.

In the morning, Griff freaks out and kills the snake, sorta accidentally. They have a funeral for the snake. One of the men following Ana is eaten by an even bigger snake. Santiago and Griff go out into the jungle to find a new snake. Griff “nopes” right back to the boat, but Santiago finds his snake– actually, it finds him.

Everyone gets off the boat to look for Santiago, and the bad men search the boat. Doug, Griff, and the others soon learn about the big snake as they get trapped inside a camper van.

Somehow, we find ourselves in a high-speed chase, being pursued by the giant snake and illegal gold miners. They make it back to the boat and have to decide whether to go home empty-handed or stick around and keep filming. “We came down here to remake ‘Anaconda,’ and now we’re in it.” Doug rewrites the script to incorporate what he’s seen and uses Ana as his new hero character.

The next day, another boat passes them on the river. Those people are also doing a reboot of ‘Anaconda.’ Griff may have been exaggerating about having the rights to the film. Surprisingly, everyone gets upset.

Griff quits and goes off in a little dinghy to find the other movie boat. He soon finds it, crashed, sunk, and floating in the river. All those actors and crew are dead.

Back on the main boat, Ana picks up a gun and forces Claire, Kenny, and Doug off the boat. Not long after, Griff returns and finds everyone gone. Ana makes everyone carry big bags of illegal gold that she stole from the miners. The men who have been chasing them are policemen. As Ana menaces everyone, the snake approaches.

When the snake attacks Ana, everyone runs. Doug gets bitten by a spider, and there’s a whole extended thing about Kenny peeing on his leg. When Doug finally gets his leg peed on, it’s a major victory.

Doug starts to give a rousing speech to Griff just as the snake comes out of nowhere and snatches him. They later find him regurgitated under a tree. They decide to use his body, tied to a dead pig and squirrel, as a distraction for the snake while they run to a boat. Suddenly, Doug wakes up tied to a dead pig with a squirrel in his mouth and a giant snake right behind him. Turns out, the pig’s not dead either, which leads to some hilarity.

The group finds the base camp where that other party was filming the real “Anaconda” remake. Ice Cube, one of the actors from the film, shows up to join their group. “Who were you expecting, Jon Voight?” He says they were setting up pyrotechnics all over the jungle for his film.

We then get a montage of everyone getting ready to blow up the snake while on film. That doesn’t work so well, and the four soon find themselves cornered. Griff finally “heroes up” and shoots it with a flare gun, making the snake explode spectacularly.

We cut to Doug and Griff accepting an award for their unauthorized, probably illegal reboot film. They were then sued by Sony. J-Lo comes to Doug and wants him to direct the new, real reboot.

During the end credits, Santiago sits up in the jungle, amazed that he’s alive.

Brian’s Commentary

Honestly, I laughed more at the Chinese version from the previous year.

Still, it’s an interesting concept: remaking the movie the film is based on while running into others doing the same.

It’s fine for a goofy comedy, and it does use a lot of the horror tropes. Still, it could have used more Jon Voight.

Kevin’s Commentary

It didn’t take long for me to grow weary of Jack Black and company trying to be funny. Though I did have some chuckles here and there, it didn’t satisfy me as a comedy.

I can’t fault the production values, and the cast worked hard at it, but I thought it was just okay overall.