2026 Love is the Monster

• Director: Alex Noyer
• Writers: Alex Noyer, Hannu Aukia, Blair Bathory
• Stars: Madeline Zima, Leonardo Nam, Kimberly-Sue Murray, Moe Jeudy-Lamour, Kristina Tonteri-Young, Milla Puolakanaho, Sheila McCarthy
• Runtime: 86 minutes
• Official Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMUKvC6IAVo

Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone

Multiple couples go on a therapy retreat in Finland, which is unfortunately the home of an ancient goddess of love who damages her playthings. Things aren’t quite right from the beginning and only go downhill from there. It’s well put together, a little on the slow side, but overall pretty good. We were entertained.

Spoilery Synopsis

We watch a commercial for a romantic retreat for couples. Lempo has many testimonials of people that it’s helped. “Free your hearts in the name of love,” the woman, Tina, says. We then cut to some kind of blood ritual of Lempo that involves glowing eyes and human sacrifice. Credits roll.

Ana wakes up, hearing a bird inside the house. She doesn’t find a bird but does find the ghost of her dead boyfriend outside. Justin wakes up inside, and he has a weird vision as well. There’s no phones allowed in this resort, but it’s only three days, so they’ll probably survive that. They come outside and meet the rest of the guests: Harper says this place isn’t for everyone, but doesn’t get to finish her thought.

They all notice the many loud birds on the island, and then Tina, their host, arrives. Tina shows an unusual interest in Ana, but mostly ignores Justin. Tina is weird. Blake introduces herself and mentions that Lempo is a Finnish word, and it’s also the goddess of birds.

All the gusts convene in the sauna, and they all beat each other with tree branches. After, something attacks Ana in the lake. She then starts noticing various people’s eyes glowing oddly.

The group does an exercise looking at each other in broken mirrors and Ana sees Marko, her dead boyfriend, once again. Justin has no idea who Marko is; Tina accuses Justin of being unfaithful. Tina knows that Ana blames herself for Marko’s death.

Everyone then gets naked and goes swimming after Tina paints herself with blood. There is much frolicking, and even Ana and Justin go at it. All the couples pair off for sex, and each pair behaves differently as Tina does a ritual. An old ghost-woman appears to watch all of them, as their eyes all glow. By the time they’re all done, one couple is dead; Petri and Blake dispose of the bodies.

In the morning, Ana and Justin argue about their respective affairs. Ana runs outside and sees Tina and Petri being weird in the woods. All the guests are surprisingly hostile with each other.

Ana wants to go home, and Justin thinks a lot of the strangeness is all in her head, which just makes her angrier. Petri explains that she can’t leave, as it’s Midsummer and all the taxis have shut down.

Everyone wanders around outside, and they all notice just how many birds, both alive and dead, are all over the place. Ana sees Marko again, and this time, she follows him.

Tina starts another ritual, and the old bird-woman, Lempo, is there. Everyone is in a trance except for Ana, who is there unwillingly. Tina cuts the old woman’s throat and puts the blood in a cup. Tina wants Ana to be Lempo’s new vessel; she forces Ana to drink the blood. Everyone else is some kind of trance. Justin and Harper have sex right there in front of everyone.

Lance, Harper’s husband, wakes up and causes trouble while Blake grabs Ana and runs off into the woods. Blake admits that Marko was her half-brother, and she’s part of the Lempo cult. Petri sneaks up and stabs Blake in the back before coming after Ana.

Some of the other couples have lethal difficulties. After killing Harper, Ana grabs a rowboat and heads away from the island– at least until Justin shows up begging her to come back for him. She’s captured once again.

Tina and Petri use Justin to sacrifice Ana to Lempo. He resists, and ends up stabbing Tina. Petri prays to Lempo, who brings Tina back to life. Tina then rips out his heart with her bare hand.

Out of nowhere, Blake, who isn’t dead, shows up and calls on a different Finnish god to stop Lempo-Tina. Blake doesn’t live long after that. Tina then pulls out Ana’s still-beating heart and bleeds all over it attempting to transfer into Ana.

A bird crawls out of Blake’s body and attacks Tina, who bursts into flame.

Later, Ana wakes up as a man in a boat approaches. He sees Ana and recognizes her as Lempo; he’s a cultist as well. Justin and Harper are still alive, but no longer in a trance. They leave all the corpses for the birds.

Brian’s Commentary

It’s clear from the beginning that this whole thing is some kind of weird setup, and that Tina and Petri have something going on.

There are lots of CGI birds, some well done, and some not. We also noticed some bonfires looked completely computer generated for some reason.

It’s not a mythology I’m familiar with, so all the Lempo stuff was new for me. Overall, I was entertained.

Kevin’s Commentary

Wind and fire conditions must have limited them to CGI fires at times.

Overall though, I thought it was pretty well made, and I enjoyed it.