- Directed by Gilbert Adler
- Written by Robert Zemeckis, Bob Gale, William M. Gaines
- Stars Dennis Miller, Erika Eleniak, Angie Everhart, Chris Sarandon
- Run Time: 1 Hour, 27 Minutes
- Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ri-M79IU3To
Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone
This one has some great gore, a whole lot of humor, and Dennis Miller being Dennis Miller. It’s okay, but not great. Like one of the okay episodes of Tales From The Crypt that goes on a little too long.
Synopsis
In Tierra Del Fuego, a group of men ride by some skeletal corpses put up on poles. It looks like “Indiana Jones,” but the main guy is a dwarf, Vincent Prather. They dig their way into a cavern, and there’s a coffin that supposedly contains treasure. No, it’s just a skeleton with a little dried skin. This is Lilith, the most horrible woman the world has ever known. He has four pieces of her heart, which magically connect and fuse together, beating on its own. He then puts the heart in her chest, and the body reconstitutes around it. She’s the mother of all vampires, and she’s very hungry. Vincent has the key that we saw in the previous film, and she’s afraid of it.
The mummy talks to the Cryptkeeper about business. The mummy cuts off Crypties’ hand. This leads into the main story…
Katherine Verdoux does a workout as credits roll. Her brother Caleb wants to go out and have some fun; he’s a partier, and she’s kind of a religious nut. As Caleb goes to the bar, one of the patrons says he knows a place where his whole gang can get laid so hard they won’t be able to walk home afterward. He really oversells it. Credits roll.
McCutcheon lets them in, and it’s a funeral home, but he promises lots of naked flesh, so they follow him. The old man points a gun at them and makes them climb into a coffin together. The coffin then goes into the crematorium, down a ramp, and into… the bordello. We soon see that most of the girls have tooth marks on their necks. Caleb’s friend goes first, and then Lilith comes in, she’s the boss. She gives him tongue– all the way down until his heart bursts out. She promptly eats it. Lilith then comes in to see Caleb and offers him some “deep throat.”
Katherine goes to the police station, but they don’t have time for her. Rafe Gutman introduces himself; he’s a private investigator. Rafe takes the case, and she fills him in on the details. Rafe finds Caleb’s friends and finds out the address of the whorehouse. Rafe goes to the address and finds a funeral in progress.
We cut to Reverend Current in his huge megachurch. He’s like every TV preacher you’ve ever seen. Rafe walks in during the sermon and finds Katherine there. So is Vincent. Rafe thinks she’s pretty uptight. Rafe goes to the bar and runs into the same weirdo that told Caleb about the brothel.
Rafe goes back to the funeral home and talks to McCutcheon, but he doesn’t get in. He breaks in and sees Lilith. He finds evidence that Caleb had been there. The next night, he finally gets in as a customer. He takes the coffin ride downstairs. He runs into Tammy, who shows him around. He ties up Tammy and escapes, but he leaves his wallet behind, which Lilith finds.
Lilith shows up in Rafe’s office. She tries to seduce him, but Katherine interrupts. The two of them go to the police and tell them about the brothel. They go over there, but Rafe’s story doesn’t check out.
Lilith talks to Vincent about doing away with the Reverend and going off on their own. The Reverend rehearses for his big show with a devil model and the “Laserlight of the Lord.” Katherine tells the Reverend that she wants to do a documentary. The Reverend goes to a strip club in disguise to meet Vincent and Lilith. Katherine comes in with a cameraman for her film, and both men go out the back door. Vincent destroys the key.
Both Katherine and Rafe have issues with people they saw not showing up on film. Rafe suggests vampires. Caleb calls, and he needs help. They do find him, but he’s obviously a vampire. Katherine is captured by the vampires, but Rafe ends up in the hospital with the police.
The Reverend comes to the brothel to see Lilith. He says he wants to join them. Rafe drives through the front door. Rafe and the Rev go vampire hunting. They shoot the vamps with squirt guns full of holy water. The Rev tries to kill Lilith, but this goes badly. Rafe doesn’t fare any better, but at least he lives to try again.
The Reverend dies, but tells Katherine to go back to their studio and make a broadcast. They do, but the special effects all go crazy as Lilith attacks Katherine. Rafe is in the control booth, but he has access to the “Laserlight of the Lord”. He cranks it up to burn a cross right through her, splitting her heart into four parts again. But, it doesn’t stop her because the four parts are still inside her. Katherine pulls the pieces out, and Lilith bursts into flame.
What could go wrong?
The Cryptkeeper makes a final joke; there’s nothing left of the mummy but a head.
Commentary
TV Shopping networks were mentioned more than once. They were a big thing back in the 90s. So were TV preachers, but I guess they still have those.
Dennis Miller played the same character he played all through the 90s before he went insane and ruined his career over politics. At one point he says, “I feel like I’m in a bad ‘Tales from the Crypt’ episode.” He isn’t wrong. The gore when the vampires die is pretty impressive, but otherwise, there’s too much humor and not enough of anything else. The previous film was a lot better; this simply had too much of Dennis Miller being Dennis Miller.