- Directed by: Scott B Hansen
- Written by: Desiree Hansen, Scott B Hansen
- Stars: KateLynn E. Newberry, Gus Langley, Alexandra Lucchesi, J. Gaven Wilde
- Run Time: 1 Hour, 52 Minutes
- Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zfd3HfUDX4I
Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone
IMDB.com says “Stranded after a disastrous gig, an all-girl heavy metal band finds a woman in danger in a town ruled by a warlock, and crawling with cannibals, vampires, and a deadly werewolf, forcing them to fight for survival.” And the movie is indeed as wild and weird as that description implies. The movie is long, in a good way, and there’s a lot going on. The gore and action is pretty over the top. It moves fast, and there’s a lot of dark humor. We both really liked it.
Spoilery Synopsis
1864 in the Civil War, we watch soldiers fighting as credits roll. Our narrator says he’s seen a thousand years of this. We watch as men get limbs amputated, and the narrator explains he’s a vampire. A man named Druid shoots the vampire and throws him off a waterfall.
In New Salem, in the present day, it’s Halloween. Jerry the vampire is a roadie for a girl band of vampires known as “The Virginia Bitches.” One of them, Morgan, keeps eating her fans. Jerry can’t handle all three women, so he wants to hire some help.
Jerry interviews a young guy, Dylan, for the role. He gets the job and meets Kate, Morgan, and Jo. Afterward, they put on masks and rob the mortuary. The mortuary attendant, Marie, comes in, and they bite her and bury her in the cemetery. Marie soon rises as a vampire, and Dylan has to explain things to her. She’s going to be the new bass player for the band.
Meanwhile, far away, in Van Helsing’s castle, the man inside locks and loads for battle. He stops at the mortuary and learns all about the girls’ victims.
Fat Carl welcomes Jerry and The Bitches to his place and they start their show. They are, in fact, a metal band. Carl tries to stiff them and then becomes one.
On the road, they come across a pregnant woman who’s bleeding from the mouth– she has no tongue. The van is pulled over by the police, but they aren’t cops– it’s that guy Druid from the Civil War. He’s not a vampire, and they all know it. He’s a Siren, and his scream breaks all their windows as they drive away.
Jerry and the gang carry the injured woman to the hospital, but everyone inside has white eyes and acts strangely. More sirens attack. Jerry explains that Kate is Lilith’s daughter. Lilith was the mother of all monsters.
Druid takes the pregnant woman out to the cornfield and does a ritual. Cain the warlock climbs up from the ground, bursts into flame, and is reborn.
Jo and Marie break Jerry out of a cell and meet Mae, someone who is really old and not as human as she appears. Jerry tells us of the Stone of the Behemoth, a meteorite that gives great power; that’s how Druid got his. Mae explains that the whole town exists to lure people in to feed Cain.
Druid tells Cain about Kate, the daughter of Lilith, which intrigues him. Morgan rescues Dylan and the tongueless woman from the fake-cops. Everyone soon gets back together except for the tongueless woman, who gets kidnapped by the sirens.
The siren-police blow up the diner the vamps are in, but then Van Helsing shows up. Kate, meanwhile, mentally contacts Marie and tells her she’s in the castle being tortured by Druid. Cain pulls the blood right out of her. Druid then has a fighting contest in an arena between Kate and a minotaur. The minotaur pulls her head off, then goes after the audience.
Suddenly, Mae turns into a werewolf. The wolf then cleans. that. place. Up. In an impressive gorefest, she kills what appears to be half the town. The other half seem to be worshipping the now regenerated Cain. At least until he does something that makes him even uglier.
Dylan gets bitten, so Morgan bites him to turn him. Meanwhile, Van Helsing is placing bombs all over the very strange town.
Jerry, Marie, and Morgan rescue the tongueless woman, who is important somehow. They open the vault and find her tongue. Van Helsing detonates his explosives and they are excessive. Cain, now with demonic bat wings, flies away.
Cain’s about to kill Jerry, Morgan, and the Oracle, but Dylan intervenes. The oracle gets her tongue back, and she’s the ultimate siren, blowing up Cain and all the baddies.
Rip Van Helsing introduces himself to the gang, after the bounty on Cain. Then they steal a police car and leave town.
We cut to Transylvania, where Van Helsing talks to Dracula. He’s brought them Cain’s head.
Brian’s Commentary
It starts out pretty slow, with a lot of humor, and then goes way off the rails at about the halfway point. I lost count of how manu “Wilhelm Screams” were used in this one.
There aren’t enough Sirens in horror movies; definitely an underused creature.
As Kevin mentioned, the rapidfire editing makes it a little hard to follow at times, and more than once we wondered how the group got from point A to point B. With some better editing, this could have been top tier, but it did detract.
That werewolf scene, though, is way off the charts, with some of the best and most voluminous gore ever. This scene alone is going to put it in my top ten for the year.
It’s Hokey and silly and a little hard to follow in places, but I really liked it.
Kevin’s Commentary
The movie hits the ground running. It moves very fast, and the cuts are very fast. I kept thinking it needs to be played not quite in slow motion but slowed down maybe 10%.
That is by far the most carnage I’ve ever seen a werewolf do in a movie.
We lost count of how many times they use the Wilhelm Scream. And so many exploding heads. And explosions. It’s a movie of excess for sure.
I thought it was a hoot.
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