Dark Shadows (2012)

• Directed by Tim Burton
• Written by Seth Grahame-Smith, John August, Dan Curtis
• Stars Johnny Depp, Michelle Pfeiffer, Helena Bonham Carter, Era Green
• Run Time: 1 Hour, 53 Minutes
• Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6tVdffCr_M

Spoiler-Free Judgment Zone

This was strange, funny, and horrifying at the same time, as Tim Burton is able to manage in his direction. It’s based on a years long soap opera, and they manage to make a story fitting into movie length very nicely. The cast and effects are good, and we both enjoyed it more this second viewing than we did the first time we saw it.

Spoilery Synopsis

Liverpool 1760. Young Barnabas Collins and Angelique board a ship to come to America. A year later, the family is rich and powerful in Collinsport, Maine. The family built a huge mansion, Collingwood. Years pass and grown Barnabas and Angelique have sex, but he admits he doesn’t love her. She does what any reasonable woman would do– puts a curse on his parents, killing them.

Meanwhile, Barnabas falls in love with Josette, which just causes her to curse Barnabas himself. Then Josette, possessed, jumps off a cliff to her death. Barnabas, too, jumps to his death, except he isn’t killed. He gets back up again– he’s been cursed to become a vampire. Angelique and the townspeople then take Barnabas and bury him alive in a coffin wrapped in chains. Now it’s 1972. Credits roll.

Maggie Evans takes a train to Collinsport, but she decides to use the name Victoria Winters instead. She’s going to be the new governess at the Collins place. Willie Loomis answers the door; he’s the only one of two servants. The other is a very slow moving old woman who has many amusing bits throughout, but never says a word. Victoria meets Elizabeth Collins Stoddard, who shows her around. Victoria is there to work with David, who has not taken his mother’s death, three years ago, well. Carolyn is the oldest daughter. Roger is Elizabeth’s brother, and David’s father. Dr. Julia Hoffman is there; she’s David’s psychiatrist. David swears his mother still talks to him.

That night. Victoria sees Josette’s ghost. “He’s coming,” she warns. Outside of town, men are digging to build a new McDonald’s, and they find a coffin where there shouldn’t be one, and it’s all chained shut. They cut the bolts, which turns out to be a bad idea for all of them.

Barnabas, now freed and well fed, walks through the woods and finds weirdness like paved roads and a car. The town has changed a lot since he was there last. He eventually makes his way home… to Collingwood, which has not been well maintained. Barnabas talks to Willie and hypnotically enslaves him.

Barnabas and Willie walk through the big house, which confuses Carolyn and David. Elizabeth questions him; he looks just like that ancient painting over the fireplace. She tells him what she knows about the original Barnabas’s death. Barnabas says he’s the same man, and a vampire. Still, he promises to not harm any of them.

Barnabas then opens a secret door where all his treasures are stored. In the morning, he meets the rest of the family. Elizabeth knows what he’s all about, but the others think he’s a loon. They talk about the family business, and how it’s not what it used to be. Barnabas is going to fix that.

Then Vickie walks into the room, and she looks exactly like Josette, which Barnabas notices immediately.

The Collins’s business competitor, Angel Bay, is run by Angelique, who knows what happened in the cemetery last night. She drives right over to Collinswood; Willie’s not smart enough to lie about him being there. They wake up Barnabas, and he recognizes her, too. Yes, they’re both immortal, and she quickly puts him in his place.

Barnabas gets depressed, and Elizabeth gives him an odd pep talk. He immediately begins renovation on the decrepit old house as we get a comedic montage of Barnabas learning the 21st century. He meets up with Clarney, an old Angel Bay fisherman, about a fishing contract, and hypnotizes him to work for the Collins company.

Julia hypnotizes Barnabas and learns the truth. Julia then begins work on a serum to “cure” Barnabas by transfusing his blood.

Angelique and Barnabas talk about their businesses. She wants to buy theirs, and he refuses. She still wants to get back together with him, but he’s revolted. Yet also aroused. They have rough supernatural sex, and it really tears up the room.

Vickie has a weird nightmare followed by another Josette sighting. Julia looks sick at breakfast, where Barnabas demands that the family throw a ball; they can get Alice Cooper to perform.

The party is really something. A de-aged Alice Cooper performs, and Barnabas calls him the “ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.” Vickie says it feels like she’s known Barnabas forever. She tells him the story about how her own family locked her up for being psychic; she’s always been able to see ghosts. It was Josette’s ghost that pointed out the ad for the governess position.

Barnabas figures out that Julia’s not trying to take his blood to make him mortal; she’s using it to make herself immortal. He sucks her dry in anger. He and Willie dump her body in the ocean. Barnabas then finds Roger searching for his treasure and talks him into leaving town. Not long after, the whole family sees what Barnabas really is.

Angelique threatens to kill Vickie if Barnabas doesn’t join her. He refuses, so she puts him back in his coffin and drives out of town, magically making the Collins Fishery explode on the way out. She then leaves him in the family crypt. David opens the coffin twenty minutes later; his dead mother told him to do it.

Angelique goes to the sheriff and plays a recording of Barnabas admitting to being a killer. An angry mob descends on Collingwood, led by Angelique. Barnabas agrees to go with the mob, but first he bites Angelique. She’s revealed as a witch. The sheriff sends the mob home, but the two immortals face off. Elizabeth’s got a shotgun, and Carolyn is revealed to be a werewolf. This family was messed up long before Barnabas showed up. He may be the normal one.

Carolyn jumps on Angelique, but she can’t do much. Angelique admits tormenting the family for generations. David walks in and warns her to leave now, or his mother will get her. David’s dead mother does show up, and she’s not happy. The house catches on fire and Barnabas and Angelique have a final conversation about love and curses before she dies.

During all this, Vickie has walked through the woods up to the same cliff that Josette jumped off. This time, Barnabas catches her. She jumps anyway, and he bites her on the way down, turning her into a vampire too.

We get a final  glimpse of Julia, deep under the ocean, waking up.

Commentary

Christopher Lee has a cameo as Clarney, the old fishing captain. It’s not much of a role, but he was 90 years old by this point. Four members of the original cast, Lara Parker (Angelique Bouchard), Jonathan Frid (Barnabas Collins), David Selby (Quentin Collins) and Kathryn Leigh Scott (Maggie Evans/Josette) appear in the ballroom scene.

It takes the original, drawn-out soap opera and makes it a modern comedy. I saw this when it came out, and I was offended that they took my favorite soap and demeaned it so badly. This time around, I knew what I was going to get and liked it quite a lot. I’d be all in for an ongoing series of this. The special effects hold up really well, the cast is excellent.

It’s essentially the same set-up as the original story, but instead of going on for years, it all gets wrapped up fairly quickly, something the original never got a chance to do.